Wednesday, March 23, 2011

March 23, 2011- Say Hello to Jesus for me, Wee One

Today is the day that was my due date.  I generally went late in my previous pregnancies and had figured that the 27th would have been more my goal due date in my head(as opposed to the doctor's little chart)...but at any rate, it would likely have been this week/next week, had the pregnancy come to term.

I had thought that I was "over it", at least for the most part. And I am(I think). At least the worst part of despairing grief. I still think about "what could have been", and if I look at a baby too long and let my mind think a bit too much, I still tend to cloud up (and, if I'm perfectly honest, get a little jealous).  I think that's normal, and just a part of the grieving process.

Remembering the raw pain that I experienced is what has brought the most tears. But I also cry tears of hope as I look to the future, after this life, of meeting my child with my Lord in Heaven. I have this hope because of my faith in Jesus Christ, who cleanses us from all sin if we will only turn away from our sin, ask for His forgiveness, and turn to Him. Jesus not only saves me from hell after death, but He gives me hope in this life as well.

Here is more information if you are interested in having that same hope.

This song has been such a God-send(literally) to me during this time. I'm sure it helps, too, that Casting Crowns is my current favorite group.
"Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away


I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

And this one is good, too: There is a Reason by Caedmon's Call.
Late at night I wonder why
Sometimes I wonder why
Sometimes I'm so tired
I don't even try
Seems everything around me fails
But I hold on to the promise
That there is a reason

Late at night, the darkness makes it hard to see
The history of the saints who've gone in front of me
Through famine, plague and disbelief
His hand was still upon them
'Cause there is a reason
There is a reason

He makes all things good
He makes all things good
There's a time to live and a time to die
A time for wonder and to wonder why
'Cause there is a reason
There is a reason

I believe in a God who sent His only son
To walk upon this world and give His life for us
With blood and tears on a long, dark night
We know that He believed
That there is a reason
There is a reason

For the lonely nights
And broken hearts
The widow's mite
In the rich man's hand
And the continent
Whose blood becomes a traitor

For the child afraid to close their eyes
The prayers that seem unanswered
There is a reason
There is a reason

It is still raining. Both literally late last night and today (which I find to be oddly appropriate, but I am hoping for a bit of sunshine), and in my heart and soul.

My Hope is in the Lord.  His ways are perfect. There IS a reason for this, though I cannot see it.

It amazes me, the older I get, and as I grow in my faith, how much more I am like a child than a knowledgable, wise person.  The more I know, the less I know. The more I know myself, the more I parent my children and recognize their childish behavior...the more I recognize similar things in myself...  Some days I learn more from my children than from other avenues of learning. Amazing how that happens!

I look forward to the day I get to meet my little one in heaven. We do not know the gender of our baby, but I chose the name Avery to remember by.

So, say hello to Jesus for me today, wee Avery. And give your Great Grandma's and Grandpa's a hug for me.


Angie Shuttlesworth said...

Tanya, this is a beautiful post. I know that some part of you will always long to hold the child that is now in heaven, but how beautiful it is to picture that little one in the arms of Jesus! You will see him or her one day! Love you! Angie

Tanya said...

Thanks, Ang! <3